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baldness

Wed, 04 May 2011 15:42:52 +1000

I have never feared baldness.

I have never tried to hide it with a comb over or hair transplants or a hat.

I’ve never even carried a parrot on my shoulder or a hamster on my head to distract from my hair loss.

No, I have been fairly comfortable with the fact I lost my hair. Yes, it’s gone now like good manners, penmanship and my parents.

If it gets to you though, if it gets you down, the fact you are going bald, then watch out, it can lead to a dark and troubled place.

I knew of one fellow whose hair loss drove him to drink and all he would do is sit at a bar all day getting drunk and picking fights with people who called him ‘baldy’.

smell

Wed, 30 Mar 2011 12:53:33 +1100

Smelling right.

There are many ads on the television that will tell you how to smell AND what’s more, tell you how other people would like you to smell.

Smelling like something is a bold move.

I would like to smell like the Versailles Peace Accord, and yet…

Or how about smelling like driving too fast down the highway, on the wrong side of the road, being chased by the cops and then at the last minute finding inner peace and swerving to miss a school bus and slamming into a safety barrier and dying in a n inferno and have people refer to me as a lunatic with a heart of gold. I think smelling like that would interest and engage people.

There s big money in getting the smell just right. Lots of money. No one wants to smell like a taxi driver at the end of a shift or old people.

Anyhoo…

Right now I smell like a Norwegian pine forest. I’m not sure why? I think it was the product I didn’t have to reach for. But the problem is, no one is going to believe I am a Norwegian pine forest. No now, not ever.

Truth be told, I should be wearing a fragrance which smells vaguely of tragedy and failure.

Called “Eau de Humanity”.

Scientology

Wed, 30 Mar 2011 12:46:31 +1100

To say Scientology is the way of the future absurd. That’s like saying “Dr Posh Spice” or “I’m in the roof insulation business”.

And, if I may say, it is unnecessarily provocative.

Don’t let a fundamental Muslim hear you say that. You think you’re going to get an argument from me you haven’t heard anything yet!

Let’s start with the obvious; Scientology is not even a real word. It’s like “guesstimate” or “upsize” or “Charlie Sheen”

It’s not even recognised by spell check.

Sure, we could stumble about in the effable world of the spiritual or debate the ill-defined notion of the soul but that will get us nowhere.

If scientology is indeed the future think of the impact on public transport as we all mind travel and teleport everywhere? The infrastructure would collapse along with associated industries like the people who make all the drab uniforms the employees wear.

Sure, I’ll grant you that a future that is in the hands of a super being who lives on a comet sounds fabulous It would be like being watched over by an giant Lady GaGa…

Scientology from what I can tell from information I’ve picked up a dinner parties is all about meetings. And maybe I’m just speaking for myself but I’m not good with meetings. I barely pay attention and wish I hadn’t eaten all the cakes and muffins that people feel a need to supply.

Also, with scientology there is an unnerving amount of smiling and not much blinking. I can’t live in a future world where no one blinks and everyone is smiling all the time. It’d be like living in a world populated by game show hosts.

Besides, I can’t abide a future full of overly earnest people, all desperately sure of the themselves determined to unlock theirs and my full potential.

I would say to them my full potential is my business and I would kindly ask them to keep your hands off my full potential.

If I choose not to realise my full potential then that’s my decision.

Besides, Scientology can’t be the future because I’ve always imagined the future to be a lot gayer than scientology apparently allows.

it's all about qualities

Wed, 30 Mar 2011 12:45:04 +1100

Someone once asked me what qualities I look for in a partner.

Well, that depends, I said.

In a life partner I look for loyalty and trust.

In crime, I look for a pair of gloves and a balaclava.